whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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