His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Semen is not good for contacts.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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