I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
