Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
