I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
