turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
