haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
