Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
