I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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