I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I need to align my fucking chakras
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
