Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
