remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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