I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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