i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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