every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
