dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
