Christians are straight up FREAKS
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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