I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
