bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
