I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
