saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
