Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
3 2 1 whiskey
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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