No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
