Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
