just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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