That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
