I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
