Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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