I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
