i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Randomize
