i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
