Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
