i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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