My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
