DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
