All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
