what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
