We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
