my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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