just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
