i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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