ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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