If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
