South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Someone signed my nipple.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
