Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
