Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
