I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
