Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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