I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
