The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
